Avocado Queen

by Mike McHugh

My diet changes constantly. That’s because it’s largely dictated by whatever health book my wife happens to be reading at the time.

140721 Avocado Queen 1The one she’s on now has a lot of good things to say about avocados. And so for the past few weeks, everything that she’s fed me has had avocadoes in it. I’ve had avocado tacos, avocado salad, and avocado chicken. She’s even gone so far as to put sliced avocados on my corn flakes.

I believe that God’s sole purpose for putting avocados on this Earth was so that we could make guacamole. Ironically, guacamole is the one thing that my wife has not used avocados for since she got onto this kick.

I’d be okay with her book if it were only about the avocados. Unfortunately, it also makes mention of a number of foods and food ingredients that are supposedly very bad for you and should be avoided at all costs. It would figure that just about every food on the “do not eat” list is something that I happen to like.

Take noodles, for instance. According to my wife’s book, any food that contains noodles should carry a skull and crossbones on the packaging. That doesn’t seem right to me. Had it not been for ramen noodle soup (not to mention cheesesteaks—also on the list), I would have never survived my college years.

The soup remains for me a favorite lunch staple to this day. I get it by the case at the warehouse club. The stuff never goes bad. If you uncovered ramen noodles at an archaeological site, you could cook them up and feed the dig team with them.

So imagine my dismay when I went to fix lunch one day, only to find that my stash had been purged from our pantry.

“I threw them out,” my wife admitted.

“Why on Earth did you do that?” I asked.

“The book says that it’s bad for you to eat all those Roman numerals.”

Ramen Noodles- I've had 'em for lunch at least MCCV times!

Ramen Noodles- I’ve had ’em for lunch at least MCCV times!

She’s now on a witch-hunt for all food ingredients that the book lists as taboo, carefully inspecting every product label at the store to ensure that no offending item makes it into her cart. This includes granola bars, of all things, which are also on my top ten list.

“Heck, aren’t granola bars supposed to be high in fiber?” I asked her. “The last book you read, we couldn’t get enough fiber. I was surprised you didn’t mix yarn in with my spaghetti.”

“Yes,” she answered, “but they also contain high maltose corn syrup. That more than cancels out any benefit of the fiber.”

“Okay then, so what could I have instead in the evening with my glass of one-percent milk?”

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ve decided to make my own granola bars, without the corn syrup.”

140721 Avocado Queen 2“And what are you going make them from? Does the grocery store have anything that’s not on your book’s hit list?”

“Sure they do.”

“Like what, for instance?”

She looked me straight in the eye and said, “Avocados, for one thing.”

© 2014 by Mike McHugh


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